Tonight was my first night attended Crave. Crave is the high school youth group at Summit Church. For some time now, I have been trying to figure out what to do with my Tuesday nights. I was going to Crew so many times a week and realized I wasn't doing much to pour into others. I tried Ignite, I babysat a lot, considered Young Life... but didn't hear anything from God. I waited and waited... and didn't commit (which is strange for me). Finally, I was talking to April (my wonderfully young mentor) and complaining about wanting to give up BigEnuf and KidZone but that I felt like I wasn't doing anything else for others... she recommeded me to try Ignite or Crave and work with younger girls who would look up to me. I thought about Ignite, but honestly wasn't too pumped about serving there / didn't feel like I was 'qualified' enough. I started getting really excited about Crave after I emailed the youth pastor who told me there was a need for a 10th grade small group leader. A woman at the church, Desiree called me a few days later telling me a funny story about her daughter, Tessa, wanting me to be her small group leader awhile ago... which is pretty weird because I wasn't even thinking about it then! Tessa is an awesome girl and I am excited to get to know her and her friends better!
Tonight we learned about prayer and the importance of it. The small group discussion wasn't too organic...but I will pray that it gets easier and better with time. These girls are sharp too! One of them started asking me a question about the Old Testament and I totally didn't have the answer and Tessa spoke up and answered (I am pretty sure it went undetected). During the message I thought about where I was when I was their age in high school. Man, I was lost. I started to tear up thinking that some of these students are where I was. I went to church and youth group but I still chose to make horrible decisions.
Lord I pray that I can make a difference in the lives of these girls in my small group and others within Crave. I pray that you would use me to be an intentional part of their lives and that their hearts and eyes would be open to your love. Stir in the hearts of the students that don't know you and prepare the leaders that are pouring into the lives of those there. Take away my own will and my words, I pray that you would only allow me to speak your Truth and that you lead me all the way through.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
Becoming a bit more selfish...
Tonight I went to the conclusion to a special series in Crew about our roles as Men and Women. I'll be honest, I had expectations about tonight. I have listened to many sermons about marriage and what my role should look like. I've spent a lot of time around Godly married couples, I have talked to pastors, pastors' wives, read books, prayed and studied about what it looks like to be a Godly wife. I really, truly desire to be a wife that glorifies God. I know all the 'things' to do and I love to learn about 'how to be'. (I may even go as far as to say that I love rules.) I was excited tonight, ready to hear something new or a verse analyzed further than I had read it. Something to "broaden" my study.
I was kind of skeptical as I was sitting, listening, taking notes- waiting for the epiphany to hit me! To be honest, I didn't seem to hear anything new... or exciting. A lot of the lessons I have read in the Bible- which are extremely important...but, again, I was looking for new! I know that wives are supposed to respect your husbands and serve them by being suitable helpers. I know that husbands are to love their wives and serve her by providing for her. Got it. Marriage works when you keep your identity, rely on God, be selfless...etc, etc, etc.
Then enters my epiphany. Todd says, the world has this idea of selflessness all wrong. (Actually, I am pretty sure he said this jacked up idea, but I am the writer here.) The most important part of being selfless, is being selfish about your TIME with Christ.
Somehow, I have missed this. And I am embarrassed to say that I just didn't think of it.
Every night I set my alarm to wake up early and have quiet time with God in the morning. Sometimes I do it. A lot of times I don't. I will sleep in... or sometimes I even get up and start getting ready and think, oh, I'll just do it later. But then I don't. I get wrapped up in getting to work, or meeting with someone or going somewhere. And then I have this guilt problem where I think I have already messed it up so its easier to just put it off and do it right tomorrow.
I think about keeping up with my friendships, with the ladies in my life that pour into me, the ladies that I pour into, spending time with my family, coaching soccer, serving in ministries, having people at my house, going to church, working and all of these things, that aren't bad things. They are definitely good things. But if I am not growing in my relationship with Christ and pursuing him daily then they are just things- just actions, motions. I will be even more honest here and say that sometimes I do them out of my own selfish ambition and vain conceit- specifically what the Word tells us not to do. I think, oh, I can do this, I will help you do this, I will serve here- people can rely on me- I am the girl that never says no.
That is okay if I do all those things or are involved in all those ministries... but if I am not pursuing Christ everyday- every morning- then I am just wasting my time. I am just trying to make myself look good. In order to be the servant God wants me to be, I must seek Him every morning through prayer, reading His Word and resting in the relationship with my Savior.
I went tonight to learn more about marriage and how to be a Godly wife. There is no font or italic or bold or underline that can emphasize how big this lesson is for me. The great characteristic I can have as a wife, a mother, a woman in general, is to Love the Lord-my God- with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul. That definitely wasn't the lesson I expected receiving after tonight... but my gracious and mighty God works in ways that are unimaginable and inexplicable. Praise God for always keeping me on my toes!
(I'm of to set my alarm clock and pray that the Lord would have my neighbors jackhammering at 6am.)
I was kind of skeptical as I was sitting, listening, taking notes- waiting for the epiphany to hit me! To be honest, I didn't seem to hear anything new... or exciting. A lot of the lessons I have read in the Bible- which are extremely important...but, again, I was looking for new! I know that wives are supposed to respect your husbands and serve them by being suitable helpers. I know that husbands are to love their wives and serve her by providing for her. Got it. Marriage works when you keep your identity, rely on God, be selfless...etc, etc, etc.
Then enters my epiphany. Todd says, the world has this idea of selflessness all wrong. (Actually, I am pretty sure he said this jacked up idea, but I am the writer here.) The most important part of being selfless, is being selfish about your TIME with Christ.
Somehow, I have missed this. And I am embarrassed to say that I just didn't think of it.
Every night I set my alarm to wake up early and have quiet time with God in the morning. Sometimes I do it. A lot of times I don't. I will sleep in... or sometimes I even get up and start getting ready and think, oh, I'll just do it later. But then I don't. I get wrapped up in getting to work, or meeting with someone or going somewhere. And then I have this guilt problem where I think I have already messed it up so its easier to just put it off and do it right tomorrow.
I think about keeping up with my friendships, with the ladies in my life that pour into me, the ladies that I pour into, spending time with my family, coaching soccer, serving in ministries, having people at my house, going to church, working and all of these things, that aren't bad things. They are definitely good things. But if I am not growing in my relationship with Christ and pursuing him daily then they are just things- just actions, motions. I will be even more honest here and say that sometimes I do them out of my own selfish ambition and vain conceit- specifically what the Word tells us not to do. I think, oh, I can do this, I will help you do this, I will serve here- people can rely on me- I am the girl that never says no.
That is okay if I do all those things or are involved in all those ministries... but if I am not pursuing Christ everyday- every morning- then I am just wasting my time. I am just trying to make myself look good. In order to be the servant God wants me to be, I must seek Him every morning through prayer, reading His Word and resting in the relationship with my Savior.
Ultimately, I should go into work everyday with the ability to answer the question,
What has God taught me today?
(I'm of to set my alarm clock and pray that the Lord would have my neighbors jackhammering at 6am.)
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
My story...
I need to write about this now because it’s so fresh... I have so many other things to be doing right now, but this will be a mini-session of therapy. Some of my friends have asked and I am really not good at keeping my emotions hidden. I know that my story is only one sided… and I hope anyone who reads this would know that too. That all I can do is account for my feelings and the conversations I have retained. I almost feel silly writing about it… like I am going through a painful divorce or a death… and I guess in some ways it could be looked at that way. I pray this doesn’t come off dramatic and I pray that as I write this I will be humble and transparent.
It honestly began very simply, as all things do. I had asked him to do something one morning while I was at bible study and he told me he was too busy. I snapped back with, “I always have to do operational things; it’d be nice if you could do this just once.” The thing is, I have run the operational side of our business since day one, and that is not my passion. I love to do sales and deal with people… not make excel spreadsheets and fill out countless forms. Apparently, I was a bitter that I was the one doing the dirty work throughout our business. This sent him into a fit of rage and he began to question everything I have done in the last four months. Since I was at church and not willing to have the discussion in the bathroom, I continuously repeated (as he yelled at me) that I had to go and eventually hung up on him.
He emailed me some nasty thing basically questioning what I do all day, informing me of how busy he is and that he has worked so hard for me to have everything and ending with an ever so powerfully guilt-ridden, “And this is what I get.”
I read the email a couple times. I was hurt but realized I still had stuff that needed to be done and that he was angry. I let it go and went in the office. We barely spoke. The next day came and it was only a simple greeting that was exchanged. He finally turned to me and said, “Are you ready to talk about this?” I asked him if there was something to discuss, that I read his email and his points and that I wasn’t planning on responding and fighting with him over email. He responded that he was disturbed with the fact that I didn’t want to respond. I felt and still feel, that I do not need to defend myself, nor do I need to answer his irate questions or respond into a ‘measuring contest’. He began to get really angry with me and called me a variety of names, all along the lines of selfish, greedy, inconsiderate and questioned my relationship with Christ. He told me that I have changed (I am proud to say I have), that my priorities are way off and he can’t believe that I would call myself a Christian. As much as I tried to remain silent in the accusations, I was quick (and wrong) in defending my faith and then questioned his. He claims to love my same Jesus and yet can be giving in so many ways, but his words didn’t reflect it. I didn’t believe him. He argued that his life more reflected a Christian life than mine and I said “Not if you are having pre-marital sex and living with your girlfriend.” He denied it and I reaffirmed that she had repeatedly spoken to me about these things. I’d like to emphasize repeatedly.
After being yelled at twice by others’ in the office, and realizing that it was going nowhere fast, I told him that he could say what he pleased but that I was done arguing. I turned back to my computer and went back to work. He continued calling me names and accusing me and questioning my character. I simply responded, “If you truly believe all those things, why on earth would you want to be in business with me?” He couldn’t believe I would bring that up, responding with, “It’s when you say things like that…” and assumed me a quitter for bringing that up. I’m not sure if it was just that he was irritated that I had ignored him or was so angry but he ended up leaving, but not before muttering, “I can’t believe I didn’t see your true character”. It was about 11:00am.
I calmed down, thought and prayed about the situation. I sat and wrote him a pretty lengthy email about the way he manipulated and spoke to me, how he treated me, about throwing Jesus in my face and his ability to remember everything I ever did wrong and bring it up as ammo whenever he felt necessary. I could have easily given him a list of all the things I have done in the past 4 months that he was too ignorant to see… but I figured it wouldn’t do much at this point.
I ended my email with this, “I admit that I have not given my all to this business through its entirety. I admit that I am not most productive when I am working from home. I also admit that I have taken advantage of the fact that I have the free will to do whatever I please throughout the work week. I am sorry for doing that and letting you down. There are things that I will undoubtedly work on if we decide to continue this business together. But in return, I will need you to recognize and work on some things as well. If you do not trust me or really think these things that you express about my character…then please do not be in this partnership with me. I do not want to be in a partnership with anyone who feels the way that you have expressed you feel about me. Please let me know if this is what you wish to do and we will discuss how we will split.”
His response was, “So much of that is babble I have not even read it. Insanity more so. You spent more time writing that than ever working the past four months. Always complaining about the office, something always. I was just the last to see the obvious. I love what Jesus represents and I will continue walking towards him…Remember how you asked if I would tell you what Damian won, if anything. I remember that look on your face, a look of greed. I gave you the shirt off my back, and I was blind to character. You are beyond selfish. I always thought of you first. You are bitter and angry with me and I can’t fathom why, or maybe it is something weird. I don’t know how I was so wrong but I hope Jesus can help us get through this.”
Oh buddy, we both need Jesus so much right now. There are so many things I could write right now to defend the things he said, but honestly, I am not worried about defending myself. I am exhausted over trying to defend myself, and am resting in the fact that the Lord will defend me.
The weekend went by and I spent a lot of time reflecting on the situation and just thinking. I had some conversations (limited ones…) about it and expressed to my Dad that I wish I wouldn’t have ever been in a partnership- that I had listened to him from the beginning. I told Maria that I wish he would just opt to be bought out…that I would not regret buying him out, that I may regret having him stay. Maria gave me insight in the way he was talking to me, the names he was calling me and that if it were any other relationship (and still really is…) it would be considered verbal abuse. She was right, but I had given him so much slack after his accident… when he punched and dented his car after yelling at me… I was just glad that he was alive.
Monday I worked from home and we emailed about meeting on Tuesday. We worked normally in the office together and I had thoughts that it would work! Before the meeting, I wrote down some notes about my thoughts so I wouldn’t get lost in his manipulation like I so often did. I printed out the emails to reference if he didn’t recollect saying something. We sat down in a public place. He reiterated the way he thought about me…I asked him for specific situations and how I could make it better. I was listening, I was peaceful and I was calm. He attacked me over and over, told me the means things people-my friends and family included- had said to him. This continued and I patiently listened. He wouldn’t give me specific examples for each of his accusations… or more than one or two things he had repeatedly brought up… I told him that if we are going to continue this business relationship, that it was important so I would know.
He quickly responded, “I don’t want to be in this relationship.” I asked if he wanted to be in this business relationship and he said no. I asked him what the options were. It seemed so simple sitting at the table. Okay a,b,c or d. Well, I nixed a,b, and d. The only option left is for me to buy him out. He wanted to split the book and I reminded him that he didn’t have the appropriate credentials/licensing to take over half. He said with 60 days, he could figure it out. I told him things would get too messy in that amount of time. Then he seemed to backpedal for a moment. He said, “Alright well if we can’t agree, then lets just get back to work.”
?!?!?!?!
Unfortunately, I do not have the short term memory loss ability that you have been awarded and I cannot and will not forget these things you have said to me. I agreed to option C and we will go from there.
He asked if I would draw up the numbers and spreadsheets in order to present him an offer. Because I know he is incapable of doing so (operationally incompetent), I told him I would be happy to. I went back to the office and started changing all the passwords, looked at the bank account and literally thought; he would never take it that far. But I was wrong.
He walks back into the office and tells me he took out $1500 from the bank account, to match the amount I had been paid the month prior. (Per our agreement, I took out the amount to pay my bills and then we both got the same amount of ‘spending’ money. He doesn’t have any bills since he lives with his mother or girlfriend and received a car for free after his accident.) If we would have discussed this… it would have been a totally different story. But he just took it and smirked back into his chair.
The next hour is sort of blurry, but I know he was still very angry. I was praying through the entire time that I would have peace and strength from God and love him like Jesus. This was pretty exhausting! He was giving me a file here and there, I walked over to his desk as he was to the side and said I need to get something off your computer (almost ALL our company info is in his computer and I wanted to send myself our client tracking spreadsheet). He grabbed the mouse from my hands and literally pushed me (his elbow met my ribs) out of the way. He called me a few names that I would not want to repeat and I exclaimed, loud enough for all to hear, “Don’t push me Lawton, you can’t push me like that!” I asked if he would do us both a favor and just leave. He said he wouldn’t, so I went in to talk to Fred and we agreed that he would just ask us both to leave. When Lawton saw Fred, he said he would leave in 5 minutes and that he was sorry. He played on his computer awhile longer and cleaned out most of his desk. He continued to make comments here and there and I continued to not respond. He finally left.
So now I sit exhausted, with a lot of work and a long road ahead of me. I am feeling peaceful about it and knowing that this is all in God’s plan. I have said many times that the people that come and go in our lives often accomplish exactly what they are supposed to. As I write this, I recognize that if Lawton had not been injured, I would probably still be living the damaging life that I was once living. Since I find great joy in analyzation and often try to analyze God (even though I know I can’t figure You out!) I am left thinking that we were apart of this business together so that I would devote my life back to Christ… and that his time in my life is done. I trust that God is in control of my life, my business and even my relationships. I know that God has this all under control.
I know it’s hard to ever imagine me as a battered woman. I am not claiming to be so… but I can say that he would verbally abuse me and I was blind to the fact of it. I believed the lies that he would feed me and became discouraged because of it. I can see the big picture now and I will run toward getting this business and my life back into shape. I pray that I will continue to love him like Jesus and be respectful and civilized. I pray that he will do the same, but I am prepared for all the persecution that may come my way.
Praying for peace, strength and contentment,
Alicia
It honestly began very simply, as all things do. I had asked him to do something one morning while I was at bible study and he told me he was too busy. I snapped back with, “I always have to do operational things; it’d be nice if you could do this just once.” The thing is, I have run the operational side of our business since day one, and that is not my passion. I love to do sales and deal with people… not make excel spreadsheets and fill out countless forms. Apparently, I was a bitter that I was the one doing the dirty work throughout our business. This sent him into a fit of rage and he began to question everything I have done in the last four months. Since I was at church and not willing to have the discussion in the bathroom, I continuously repeated (as he yelled at me) that I had to go and eventually hung up on him.
He emailed me some nasty thing basically questioning what I do all day, informing me of how busy he is and that he has worked so hard for me to have everything and ending with an ever so powerfully guilt-ridden, “And this is what I get.”
I read the email a couple times. I was hurt but realized I still had stuff that needed to be done and that he was angry. I let it go and went in the office. We barely spoke. The next day came and it was only a simple greeting that was exchanged. He finally turned to me and said, “Are you ready to talk about this?” I asked him if there was something to discuss, that I read his email and his points and that I wasn’t planning on responding and fighting with him over email. He responded that he was disturbed with the fact that I didn’t want to respond. I felt and still feel, that I do not need to defend myself, nor do I need to answer his irate questions or respond into a ‘measuring contest’. He began to get really angry with me and called me a variety of names, all along the lines of selfish, greedy, inconsiderate and questioned my relationship with Christ. He told me that I have changed (I am proud to say I have), that my priorities are way off and he can’t believe that I would call myself a Christian. As much as I tried to remain silent in the accusations, I was quick (and wrong) in defending my faith and then questioned his. He claims to love my same Jesus and yet can be giving in so many ways, but his words didn’t reflect it. I didn’t believe him. He argued that his life more reflected a Christian life than mine and I said “Not if you are having pre-marital sex and living with your girlfriend.” He denied it and I reaffirmed that she had repeatedly spoken to me about these things. I’d like to emphasize repeatedly.
After being yelled at twice by others’ in the office, and realizing that it was going nowhere fast, I told him that he could say what he pleased but that I was done arguing. I turned back to my computer and went back to work. He continued calling me names and accusing me and questioning my character. I simply responded, “If you truly believe all those things, why on earth would you want to be in business with me?” He couldn’t believe I would bring that up, responding with, “It’s when you say things like that…” and assumed me a quitter for bringing that up. I’m not sure if it was just that he was irritated that I had ignored him or was so angry but he ended up leaving, but not before muttering, “I can’t believe I didn’t see your true character”. It was about 11:00am.
I calmed down, thought and prayed about the situation. I sat and wrote him a pretty lengthy email about the way he manipulated and spoke to me, how he treated me, about throwing Jesus in my face and his ability to remember everything I ever did wrong and bring it up as ammo whenever he felt necessary. I could have easily given him a list of all the things I have done in the past 4 months that he was too ignorant to see… but I figured it wouldn’t do much at this point.
I ended my email with this, “I admit that I have not given my all to this business through its entirety. I admit that I am not most productive when I am working from home. I also admit that I have taken advantage of the fact that I have the free will to do whatever I please throughout the work week. I am sorry for doing that and letting you down. There are things that I will undoubtedly work on if we decide to continue this business together. But in return, I will need you to recognize and work on some things as well. If you do not trust me or really think these things that you express about my character…then please do not be in this partnership with me. I do not want to be in a partnership with anyone who feels the way that you have expressed you feel about me. Please let me know if this is what you wish to do and we will discuss how we will split.”
His response was, “So much of that is babble I have not even read it. Insanity more so. You spent more time writing that than ever working the past four months. Always complaining about the office, something always. I was just the last to see the obvious. I love what Jesus represents and I will continue walking towards him…Remember how you asked if I would tell you what Damian won, if anything. I remember that look on your face, a look of greed. I gave you the shirt off my back, and I was blind to character. You are beyond selfish. I always thought of you first. You are bitter and angry with me and I can’t fathom why, or maybe it is something weird. I don’t know how I was so wrong but I hope Jesus can help us get through this.”
Oh buddy, we both need Jesus so much right now. There are so many things I could write right now to defend the things he said, but honestly, I am not worried about defending myself. I am exhausted over trying to defend myself, and am resting in the fact that the Lord will defend me.
The weekend went by and I spent a lot of time reflecting on the situation and just thinking. I had some conversations (limited ones…) about it and expressed to my Dad that I wish I wouldn’t have ever been in a partnership- that I had listened to him from the beginning. I told Maria that I wish he would just opt to be bought out…that I would not regret buying him out, that I may regret having him stay. Maria gave me insight in the way he was talking to me, the names he was calling me and that if it were any other relationship (and still really is…) it would be considered verbal abuse. She was right, but I had given him so much slack after his accident… when he punched and dented his car after yelling at me… I was just glad that he was alive.
Monday I worked from home and we emailed about meeting on Tuesday. We worked normally in the office together and I had thoughts that it would work! Before the meeting, I wrote down some notes about my thoughts so I wouldn’t get lost in his manipulation like I so often did. I printed out the emails to reference if he didn’t recollect saying something. We sat down in a public place. He reiterated the way he thought about me…I asked him for specific situations and how I could make it better. I was listening, I was peaceful and I was calm. He attacked me over and over, told me the means things people-my friends and family included- had said to him. This continued and I patiently listened. He wouldn’t give me specific examples for each of his accusations… or more than one or two things he had repeatedly brought up… I told him that if we are going to continue this business relationship, that it was important so I would know.
He quickly responded, “I don’t want to be in this relationship.” I asked if he wanted to be in this business relationship and he said no. I asked him what the options were. It seemed so simple sitting at the table. Okay a,b,c or d. Well, I nixed a,b, and d. The only option left is for me to buy him out. He wanted to split the book and I reminded him that he didn’t have the appropriate credentials/licensing to take over half. He said with 60 days, he could figure it out. I told him things would get too messy in that amount of time. Then he seemed to backpedal for a moment. He said, “Alright well if we can’t agree, then lets just get back to work.”
?!?!?!?!
Unfortunately, I do not have the short term memory loss ability that you have been awarded and I cannot and will not forget these things you have said to me. I agreed to option C and we will go from there.
He asked if I would draw up the numbers and spreadsheets in order to present him an offer. Because I know he is incapable of doing so (operationally incompetent), I told him I would be happy to. I went back to the office and started changing all the passwords, looked at the bank account and literally thought; he would never take it that far. But I was wrong.
He walks back into the office and tells me he took out $1500 from the bank account, to match the amount I had been paid the month prior. (Per our agreement, I took out the amount to pay my bills and then we both got the same amount of ‘spending’ money. He doesn’t have any bills since he lives with his mother or girlfriend and received a car for free after his accident.) If we would have discussed this… it would have been a totally different story. But he just took it and smirked back into his chair.
The next hour is sort of blurry, but I know he was still very angry. I was praying through the entire time that I would have peace and strength from God and love him like Jesus. This was pretty exhausting! He was giving me a file here and there, I walked over to his desk as he was to the side and said I need to get something off your computer (almost ALL our company info is in his computer and I wanted to send myself our client tracking spreadsheet). He grabbed the mouse from my hands and literally pushed me (his elbow met my ribs) out of the way. He called me a few names that I would not want to repeat and I exclaimed, loud enough for all to hear, “Don’t push me Lawton, you can’t push me like that!” I asked if he would do us both a favor and just leave. He said he wouldn’t, so I went in to talk to Fred and we agreed that he would just ask us both to leave. When Lawton saw Fred, he said he would leave in 5 minutes and that he was sorry. He played on his computer awhile longer and cleaned out most of his desk. He continued to make comments here and there and I continued to not respond. He finally left.
So now I sit exhausted, with a lot of work and a long road ahead of me. I am feeling peaceful about it and knowing that this is all in God’s plan. I have said many times that the people that come and go in our lives often accomplish exactly what they are supposed to. As I write this, I recognize that if Lawton had not been injured, I would probably still be living the damaging life that I was once living. Since I find great joy in analyzation and often try to analyze God (even though I know I can’t figure You out!) I am left thinking that we were apart of this business together so that I would devote my life back to Christ… and that his time in my life is done. I trust that God is in control of my life, my business and even my relationships. I know that God has this all under control.
I know it’s hard to ever imagine me as a battered woman. I am not claiming to be so… but I can say that he would verbally abuse me and I was blind to the fact of it. I believed the lies that he would feed me and became discouraged because of it. I can see the big picture now and I will run toward getting this business and my life back into shape. I pray that I will continue to love him like Jesus and be respectful and civilized. I pray that he will do the same, but I am prepared for all the persecution that may come my way.
Praying for peace, strength and contentment,
Alicia
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